Introvert Survival: Resisting Shamers

Someone trying to shame you into some kind of “proper” behavior is usually trying to persuade you to act against your own best interests.

Those who have gone along with the crowd and become miserable are most likely to try to drag you down along with them.  Misery loves company.

Or perhaps they’re trying to convince you to sacrifice for a group, a “society” a “nation” an abstract “us” that will never give back.

Growing up I was always perplexed at the life advice of adults.  They inevitably wanted young people to mimic their particular course in life, yet there was no indication they were especially contented with their lives.  At best, they were better off than others.  Fear of falling, of scarcity, of status loss seemed to motivate them far more than hopes of rising to anything better.

All the people pleasers who want you to be just like them are trying to trick you into moving away from your strengths, your position of power.  An enemy army trying to goad you into giving up the high ground and engaging in battle on their terms.

When you realize people come in breeds, you realize we all have a natural battle plan in our blood that helped our ancestors succeed in having and raising successful kids.

As an outsider you have to learn their Plan is not yours.

The safest Plan is low risk, low reward.

The outsider is by nature high risk, high reward.  The attrition rate is high but some make it.  And when they make it, it’s on another order of magnitude.

It took many years to begin to free myself from the endless doubts buried in me by a lifetime of criticism and shaming.

The hardest thing was learning to trust my deeper instincts and let them guide me towards my Plan.
When everyone around tells you you’re doing it all wrong—that you are Incorrect—it’s very difficult to learn to listen to that instinct!

If we try to imitate someone else’s ways and constantly second-guess, we cripple ourselves, destroying any chance for success.

The people introverts see all around them are behaving naturally; they’re in their element.
They don’t even have to think about it because they’ve always been able to live out who they are without being punished or forced into hiding.  They’ve been encouraged and built up, the way along their natural path smoothed for them.

The introvert’s equivalent isn’t trying to ape them, it’s learning to follow your own instinct to that same state of life.

10 responses to “Introvert Survival: Resisting Shamers

  1. This reminds me of my current situation participating in team sports. I’m repeatedly told that to succeed, I have to alter my behaviors so I can fit in with the group. They warn me “it’s all politics”. It seems no matter how good I am I can’t progress until my group sees me as one of them.

    I’ll take your advice.

  2. It took me a very long time to figure out this one thing: the advice other people gave to me (or other people) does not apply to me, because I am not like them. Not like them at all. Originally, I used to think that I did not apply their advice correctly, or needed to persevere, or needed to apply it more determinedly. For example “you need to get out more” or “you need to go to college”. Only after years of failing or not being happy about the outcome I came to the above conclusion. I wish someone had told me sooner.

  3. [quote]The introvert’s equivalent isn’t trying to ape them, it’s learning to follow your own instinct to that same state of life.

    It took many years to begin to free myself from the endless doubts buried in me by a lifetime of criticism and shaming.[/quote]

    How, though?

  4. I just found an old rant of mine levied at extrovert shamers:

    So you want me to go do something that interests you, yet I can’t even get you to play one stupid little game, or listen to one piece of my music without heaping scorn unto it, or play Dungeons & Dragons, or look at comics, or any of the myriad things I find interesting and entertaining? Stuff that I like?

    You refuse to share my interests, then you have the nerve, the audacity, the temerity to get pissy when I refuse to share in yours? That is some serious douchebaggery, especially with that shitty little attempt at guilt-tripping and acting all superior, tut-tutting at me like what you do is somehow better than what I do. Because swilling beer and whooping and hollering at a TV set during the superbowl sure helped advance the human race more than the works of stupid, anti-social bookworms like Einstein, Newton, Tesla, Galileo, etc.

    I don’t try to force my introversion upon you neurotypicals, so why the fuck can’t you return the favor?

    This is something every “geek” and “nerd” has to deal with in a world full of half-conscious commoners. Little social busybodies who do what we consider utterly pointless tripe, and then try to force your boring crap on us. Do we ever tie you down and force-feed you video games, fantasy novels, comic books, scientific theses, blueprints for engineering robots, programming languages, etc.? So why do you have to be so god damn rude and try to make us do your crap?

    Why the hell can’t you hopelessly boring, normal people just leave us alone, and accept that NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE YOU? TV sucks, sports suck, sitting around some lunch table at a restaraunt blathering on about horrendously pointless garbage is an utter waste of time, etc.

    WE are the ones in the background, crafting the world that you all live in, with our brains. WE research medicines to make sure you live long, happy lives. WE debate morality and philosophy and from the ashes construct governmental institutions to make sure that you don’t have do dig a hole in the ground to protect you from the weather and wild animals. WE invented religion so you don’t have to fear death. WE also invented every other modern convenience so you can afford to wallow in your pointless self-indulgence. WE engineer cities, nations, entire worlds, with our merest thought. WE creatively craft works of art, music, and writing… wait, none of you appreciate that aside from mindless sitcom reruns so nevermind.

    So in light of all we do for you, in all our thankless, behind-the-scenes labors so you can live out your happy lives inside your little bubbles, perhaps you can find it in your simple hearts to forgive us stand-offish, dweeby losers for not joining you in going to the movies or spreading celebrity gossip at the water-cooler, for we have better things to do.

  5. And another. I was quite an angry little boy back in the day, when I thought I was all alone in my introversion. I post these in the hopes that others here understand your seething resentment:

    “Special snowflake” is such a fuckdamn annoyingly condescending little phrase! It’s bandied about no less than “nostalgia,” “badwrongfun,” and other such date rapists of open discussion.

    The phrase implies that everyone and everything are common and exactly the same as eachother — much like snowflakes — therefore anyone or anything that attempts to be unique, different, or special, is foolhardy. That is a shitty attitude. Just what in the fuck is wrong with wanting to be unique, different, or special? Do you asswipes WANT everything, everywhere to be exactly the fucking same?

    Should all tabletop game experiences follow the same railroaded script? Should we all watch the exact same movies, play the same video games, and read the same novels, indulging in exactly the same forms of entertainment? Must all earthly cultures be no different than one another? Shall we decide that all human beings that aren’t the “right” skin color be purged for fear of not being normal? Should the planet earth be coated in a uniform layer of cement so every inch of the globe is no different, not a special snowflake from all others?

    THIS is what you dumbasses are implying everytime you utter that hateful phrase. You are standing proud of being the exact same height as those around you, of being cookie-cutter copies with nothing to differentiate you from those around you. You mustn’t be a special snowflake! You must conform! Confooorm! Confooooorm!! Difference and uniqueness is BAD!!

    Fuck you, I will be a special snowflake. I’m going my own way, walking my own paths, I will be free. And I bet that’s exactly what you boring normal fucks are afraid of, isn’t it? Well good! Look upon this special snowflake, and despair! For I have achieved what you and your lookalike fellows daren’t dream.

    Go ahead and sling all your prefabricated catch phrases about immaturity, childishness, and stupid grunts and tut-tuts (by the way, that makes you sound like a retard) that reign in your fellow mindless, plebian farm animals. They are but water droplets falling from the umbrella’s rim. Hey, I like that analogy: the rest of you and your bullshit is just so much falling rain that would sully my clothes were it not for my metaphoric umbrella to keep you twats away. But I di… gah, I so hate that pretentious phrase, but digressing I am so whatever.

    And by the way, why in the world would you inane neurotypical shits ever think I’d want to be like you? Sounds like a stagnant bore to me. THIS snowflake shall stay special, thank you very much.

    Do yourself a favor, and read a history book sometime. There have been lots of people throughout time that hated special snowflakes to the point of campaigns of genocide. Where are they now? Dead, buried, their intolerance and racism stomped into submission by the special snowflakes they hoped to exterminate for no other reason than those snowflakes were not like every other. Keep that in mind next time you try and “correct” someone for wandering from the “one true way.”

    • Thank you so much for these rants.

      I myself have ranted elsewhere on the internet, so I am pleased to see that others are keeping up the good fight also. I made a similar comment on one of my own posts about how extroverts wouldn’t survive without introverts doing all the ‘behind-the-scenes’ work.

      I recently had a six month sickness absence from work with stress and depression, and being an extreme introvert in an extrovert-ruled (what else) workplace was a huge factor in my breakdown.

      On my return to work, my (extrovert) manager said that it felt like she had lost her right arm whilst I was away and that it makes a huge difference when I am there.

      Another (extrovert) colleague told me that there would never be anyone as good as me and that I could never be replaced.

      I’m not saying this to say how wonderful I am because I know that all other introverts are like this. These are just my personal examples to show just how valuable all introverts are.

      What I am saying though is that what these extroverts from work don’t realise is that me being an introvert is the very reason they have such a high regard for me, and is the reason I can do what I do. This is exactly what they, and all other extroverts, DESPERATELY NEED TO LEARN!

      It hasn’t been long since my return to work and already I am being used, yet again, to mop up problems caused by the extroverts and to also pick up the slack, as always, for the lazy extroverts. Because although extroverts can’t bear that we are different, they have no problem using us for their own gain, and very often even take the credit for themselves!

      I’m very lucky that my small team is made up of mostly introverts, but there is one particular extremely extroverted colleague in our team who has been there a fraction of the time that we all have and yet acts as though he is a manager, even though he has only learnt the bare minimum to get by.

      He is completely selfish and the only time he is nice to you is when he doesn’t know a certain procedure, and it’s usually a very basic one that he should have learnt after doing the job for FOUR YEARS! And when he’s got what he wants he reverts back to his disgustingly empty, rude, deceitful self. And if he does ever (very rarely) manage to learn something, he uses it to make himself look like he knows everything and acts as though he is the only one who knows it.

      He is cocky and arrogant without having anything to back it up and he makes more mistakes on a daily basis than everyone else put together. And if anyone else makes a rare mistake he then becomes a huge hypocrite and projects his own ineptness onto others by shouting his mouth off about them as a way to deflect attention away from the useless piece of shit that he is.

      The worse thing is, is that all of us have spoken to our (extrovert) manager about him but in her eyes he is the blue-eyed boy who can do no wrong and believes that HE is the one who is suffering! And all because he sucks up to her like there is no tomorrow. Because all she cares about is popularity and so she doesn’t give a damn that the rest of her hard-working team are having to endure this hell for the majority of their lives!

      All she wants is for us to shut up and just get the work done so that people can say how wonderful her team are and what a good manager she must be. All she cares about is her image, just like her blue-eyed sidekick.

      She has also been told by many people that he is dealing cannabis within the (medical!) workplace and was seen by more than one colleague tossing a joint to another colleague, and he is often stoned throughout the work day, and this is very obvious. Yet STILL nothing is said or done!

      He also takes extended breaks and lunch breaks. And unknown to him, one of my introverted colleagues was in the break room at the same time as he was yet he didn’t know she was there, and he said to another colleague that he was going to have an extra ten minutes added to his break because he could do what he wanted and that he was “untouchable”.

      The reason I told this little tale is because it just shows that all you have to do in this extroverted society is conform to the ‘norm’ and suck up to the other extroverts and you can get away with anything. Hard work counts for nothing in this extrovert-ruled world.

      And as long as you play by their rules you can get away with anything.

    • Lol, you complain about how condescending it is to be called a special snowflake after the previous post you wrote, full of narcissistic nonsense about how superior you are to all those boring normal people? Self-awareness much? I’m pretty sure you flatter yourself and that people don’t seek out your company nearly as much as you like to pretend they do. And people who sit around playing video games all day usually do not contribute much of value to society. Stop with all this ‘we’ crap, it’s the sort of pathetic attempt to hijack other people’s achievements seen in Special Snowflakes who have done very little of worth with their lives. Introversion isn’t as precious and unique as you seem to think it is. I’m an introvert, and it doesn’t involve anywhere near the amount of deluded narcissism you’ve shown here.

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